The siren song

I've a had a WHOLE MONTH off. From almost everything. A month off from the grueling grind of teaching; and the crushingly endless round of rehearsals. The Florida Keys, and Boston. I can't go to Brazil this Carnaval season, so as a substitute I thought at least I could go to Miami and get a bit of sun. (which turned out to be a brilliant idea. Miami is amazing.) And drop by the biology annual meeting in Boston.

I intended to practice during my month away - brought my pandeiro and tamborim - but, well, I didn't. Partly I never could quite get time away from people. Partly I just needed a break.

I knew I needed a break when I realized I'd been thinking "I have to go to rehearsal tonight" instead of "I get to go to rehearsal tonight,"

So I took a month off of music. Seems like I take a month-long hiatus, or two, every year. You need a break sometimes.

Instead of playing music, I did things like:

I laid in the hot hot sun...
... and lay there some more
Kayaked through the mangroves under the moonlight with my brother
... and through the sunset with my mom
... and birded with my dad
... and cracked up over silly Christmas gifts with my sister.
Discovered tiny phosphorescent creatures in the sand
Watched ibises, egrets, great white herons, pelicans fly by...
... and rays and nurse sharks and spiny lobsters shyly swimming past our porch at night.
Drove right through the Caribbean Sea on the Overseas Highway
Snorkelled in one of the best coral reefs in the U.S.
... and saw a tiny amazing school of cuttlefish, all lined up, all parallel, all looking at me. Space aliens.
... and a huge barracuda, hovering, motionless, below.
... and the most goddam crazy-colored parrotfish and angelfish
... and a triggerfish ate right out of my hand
... and I thought, this is the most beautiful place in the world.
Got kissed by a dolphin, for real
Met the original Bubble Butt himself, the first known sea turtle with bubble-butt syndrome
...nearly wept over a couple dozen other mangled, crippled sea turtles. Hit by boats. Tangled in lines.
...then was soothed at their serene acceptance of fate
...and the ridiculous way they blew water through their noses when I fed them. Who knew?
Kayaked in Biscayne Bay with two of my new best friends
Wept over a family member who died suddenly, a week before Christmas,
... spent hours talking with other family,
... and REFUSED to respond to any band or work emails during this time.
Saw the cousins I haven't seen since my childhood Christmases
Dove over and over into the green surf at Miami's South Beach.
... then, the next night, thought I was about going to DIE of cold at Boston's First Night
... where I tried to eat a french fry and it fell out of my mouth because my jaw was too cold to move!
... and where I accidentally something very cold and thought "What's that piece of ice?" and it was my leg.
... and I saw the smallest, coldest-looking samba band in the coldest parade I've ever watched.
... then later discovered that with wind chill it was -40. Oh.
... but had a great time anyway despite dying of hypothermia. (I was resurrected later)
Met several hundred baby lobsters in Boston,
... and was enchanted when they flipped on their backs and waved their little legs at me, begging for fish
Met some more sea turtles. Babies this time. Swimming in endless little circles.
Bumped into my favorite old field research friends and was invited to:
... study whales, sea turtles and sharks in Boston,
... apply for a fellowship for a year in Germany,
... study ground squirrel hibernation in northern Alaska,
... start up a new project on Hawaiian birds,
... chase crossbills through the Rocky Mountains,
... apply for plum jobs at two of the nation's top colleges.
... visit the magnificent Tioga Pass field site high in the Sierras in California.


It is my old life risen to claim me. Like an angel or a demon - I can't decide which.

So, the background here is: When I went to Brazil to study samba, I abandoned a PhD biology career. I did what is known as "Leaving Science". Scientists usually speak of such an occurrence in hushed tones: "Did you hear? He left science." With mournful faces all around. As if the person has died. And that's what it felt like, like I'd chosen to die.

OK, yeah, science is a rather small world, kind of a weird world, really. But - they are the brightest people I've ever had the honor to spend time with; and the most creative; and the least motivated by money; and the most curious; and the most generous. And they are the people who are unravelling the secrets of the universe. Trying to save the world. I truly see it that way. So, I was part of that story, once upon a time.

But I got stuck in the lab too long, and eventually I got bored, and then one day I heard samba; and one thing led to another, and I thought "To hell with it all" and I jumped off the bullet train, and took all my savings and went to Brazil.

I'd always been told: Once you leave science, you can't ever go back.

Well... I've been gone three years, and now, here at this meeting, the major national meeting of the year, I was overwhelmed. By the dozens and dozens of friends jumping on me with big bear hugs and asking where I'd been. By how wonderful it was to see them again. Their huge smiles and their bright spirits and their kindness. By their inviting me to go do fieldwork with them, and pointing me towards peachy jobs all over the place. My god. To be invited to apply for the job at ... well, never mind where, but JEEZ, to have the major person in charge of that search almost jumping on me, grabbing my arm hard, and saying "I'd love to see your application - please consider applying!" - wow. To have the guy who is on the search committee at another major university telling me... oh never mind, but again, wow, and the quantities of dollars he was talking about were truly ridiculous. To have one of the best research aquaria in the country inviting me to come work full time on WHALES and SEA TURTLES and SHARKS. (And tetras and lobsters and penguins, oh my.) - is this not every little girls' dream, to sail off into the ocean and go study whales?

None of it for sure, of course. All dependent on funding. Eight amazing job possibilities were offered to me, but all eight might fall through. But still. I was astonished, and floored, and grateful, and humbled, and honored.

And... I started to get curious again. I started to want to save the world again, and unravel the secrets of the universe. The old siren song. It was silent so long. Now I can hear it again.

But what about samba?

If I dive into research again... can I still play my samba, my choro, my maracatu?

You see, I would have to leave Portland. None of those 8 possible jobs are in Portland. How much would it hurt to leave Portland forever, and all my bands and all my friends? Not to mention my current job.

Would I still have Brazil? If I could still go to Brazil... If I could go even just every other year....